ADD'ing it all up

drug shortage * cringe *

2012-01-26T14:21:00.001-05:00

Click HERE for information on the adhd drug shortage currently affecting millions. Its a scary thing. According to recent statistics, 8 million adults, including me, and 7 million children, including my son, have adhd. This sure doesn't make things easier. Stimulant meds are too easily dispensed, it seems, possibly for those who don't really have ADHD. This fraud is very concerning for those of us who have lost jobs, or been kicked out of school activities from time to time, because of REAL adhd. I hope this gets fixed, or a lot of people in need are gonna be hurting alot more.
concerningly,
Michael

Jerry Sandusky, murderer?

2012-01-23T14:46:00.000-05:00

Jerry S. murdered the childhood of several young men. He also murdered the career of Joe Paterno, and several other employees of PSU. Now, in the wake of JoePa's death from cancer over this past weekend, it appears Jerry might have helped to murder Joe Paterno. The pain, shame, and sadness Joe P. experienced from being fired over what JS did certainly made his chances of surviving an already extremely dangerous illness even smaller. The resulting media frenzy made it worse. This is one of the side effects of childhood sexual abuse, that go beyond the damage to the survivor. Lots of collateral damage occurs, to witnesses, society, and people connected to the event. No surpise though, that it has such insidious and long reaching effects, given the horrible nature of the crime.
regrettingly,
Michael

p.s. On another more positive note, I've had two interviews, and a phone call, in my job search for drafting. Hope it breaks wide to the positive, soon.

leaning uphill

2012-01-19T19:48:00.000-05:00

Sometimes we all need comfort, and in such cases, one's immediate physical environment, and the people one knows, may not be up to the task. That's when we need to 'lean uphill' or at least when I need to do so. Leaning uphill means to rely on someone or something greater than oneself, and beyond physical immediacy. In my case, its the triune God. The uphill may vary among individuals. It could be God, nature, the universe, knowledge, or even entertainment. Its whatever steady unshifting ground you can find and trust, in the middle of a tempestuous storm. Hopefully, its something you can count on not to be unavailable or unhelpful. Leaning uphill is a better way to be able to trust, even if you can't always see what you're leaning towards or on, and to persevere.

happy new year, goodbye 2011, hello 2012

2011-12-30T13:33:00.001-05:00

And now that the title has sent the new years message, my topic for today. ADD is the itch of stimulation, and the way to treat it is to scratch it, with medicine, distraction, or whatever. If you don't provide the brain the stimulation needed to scratch the itch, it will find it one itself. This usually exhibits itself in non-constructive ways. Sometimes, you can distract part of your brain, allowing another part of it to do what you need. I will put on talk radio to accomplish this goal, if its appropriate, and allowed. Whatever you use to scratch that ADD itch, make sure it is something interesting to you. Even if you don't have ADD, or don't think you have, scratching the itch can still be very useful.

Edit: Add-on:
People say get over my CSA. What I guess they mean is "why do I keep talking about it " I've gotten to the point where I can comfortably not talk about it, without feeling like I am denial. But I won't ever 'really' get over it. That is, the healing will take a lifetime. I reserve discussion of my abuse for the appropriate fora. The same goes for ADD and spousal caregiving. This blog is but one of several suitable situations.

Michael

Merry Christmas, and trying something different

2011-12-23T13:06:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas everyone. In the next few weeks, I will be starting to volunteer for Habitat for Humanity. It will help to keep me busy, while I still look for a job. And it will help me practice my skills, or learn some new ones, which at worst won't hurt my job search. In addition, my former classmate is hoping to go into business with me. I am hoping the new year brings better things. I won't make resolutions. I do have goals, but I won't discuss them at this time. With due respect to differing beliefs, Jesus is the reason for the season, and the real hero of Christmas.

no money, but at least experience.

2011-12-14T10:55:00.000-05:00

So I sent my info to help habitat for humanity with my drawing skills. It isn't a paying position but it will be experience.

I am in between brilliant ideas

2011-12-13T17:35:00.002-05:00

I am still here. I am just in between brilliant ideas. I'll have more in a few days, I think.

Double Positive Phone Tag

2011-12-05T09:56:00.000-05:00

I am currently playing "phone tag" with two parties
1) a counseling agency that offers sliding scale payment services
2) a prospective employer in the field of drafting.

If all goes well, both should work out for the best.

One year later

2011-12-04T21:22:00.000-05:00

A year ago today my wife had open heart surgery. She is doing much better. I am proud of her.

doing what I know

2011-12-02T22:14:00.000-05:00

I can't do everything, help every cause, despite sometimes wanting to. So I am doing what I know. ADHD, CSA, spousal caregiving, these are the things I know. I can't some difference to everyone, but hopefully I can all the difference to someone, in the areas I know about. Thank you for sticking with me. The last few years, and the ensuing blog, have been a wild time. So I will continue doing what I know. It seems to work.

self-knowingly,
Michael

keeping up

2011-12-01T21:06:00.002-05:00

Keeping up with everything can be a real struggle. I am sure you all know enough of my story to understand what I am talking about. I'll keep on going. Hope is always available.

Double Certified. Check it Out!

2011-11-28T17:25:00.000-05:00

So Here it is. Enjoy.

And now finally...

2011-11-24T07:36:00.000-05:00

I have completed my class. I am now certified in autocad and revit drafting software packages. Its about time. At least I have it: completed post-secondary education. I feel much more confident, hopeful, and relaxed. I know the economy is tough, but it will improve. Prospects are getting better.

Jerry the **** sandusky ( adult language, maybe )

2011-11-15T11:21:00.000-05:00

I saw the Jerry Sandusky interview last night. He's guilty. I have a long string of expletives, but I will keep them in my head. Even if one takes the slimy piece of worm ridden filth at his word, he is still sick, twisted, and evil. I cannot and will not forgive him, since he wronged someone other than myself. That isn't my burden. Even if all he did was take a shower ( a lie, I am sure ), he is still just as guilty. I hope spends hundreds of years in jail, or at least gets such a sentence. Yes, I feel strongly, because he hurt others the way I was hurt. Anyway, I hope whatever jail time he gets, and whatever shake up happens at PSU, beyond what has already been implemented, helps the young men involved to heal, and also helps to eliminate future victims of childhood sexual abuse. I know this is a passionate ranting post, but it just gnaws at me that he doesn't even have the courage to admit what he did, though its not surprising. Ending on a positive note, a prayer for the young men:
God,
please help these young men to heal, and help them to find the strength and support to get through the pain they are feeling. If I can help, please lead me into the situation where I can do so best. In all things, let your mercy and healing be upon these young men, as they struggle to recover from this betrayal of trust.

Amen
My heart is with these young men, my brothers in healing.
identifyingly,
Michael

Veteran's Day Take 2

2011-11-11T10:57:00.002-05:00

Okay, today is definitely Veteran's Day. So if you are an american citizen, and love your freedom, thank a veteran.

wow, first thoughts. ( scrambled brains on all this )

2011-11-10T08:36:00.001-05:00

Hermann Cain, PSU scandal, Christmas Tree Tax, Facebook Teacher, .... Its a long list. Not sure where to begin. Here goes.

1) Hermann Cain. I don't know what happened, but if the allegations are true, then I don't know if we have any viable candidates left in the GOP. Of course harassment is wrong. If we go only on everyone's word, then its very hard to decide the truth, since Cain's words are different than the ( what is it now ) four women's words. I will have to wait and see how it turns out.

2) PSU Scandal. That Sandusky guy belongs in Jail. I am glad he was arrested. Whether Joe P, or the University President knew, I can't say. If they knew, than I am glad they are removed from office. I can't understand what moral compass the PSU student rioters follow, but clearly its different than my own. I guess money is what matters to some, and school pride to others. What matters to me is the despicable evil that was inflicted upon these children, which you know I am well acquainted with. Maybe PSU itself should be brought up on both criminal and civil charges. I don't like to rush to judgement, but all signs point to a catastrophic, mass, lack of either morality or oversight. That being said, my main concern is the children. I hope, if nothing else, that they aren't forced in many years of silent screaming pain, like I was.I hope they all are getting the needed attention now. In fact, if I could, I would go and speak to them, or speak about this event in any public media or forum. If anyone knows how I can get any such opportunities, please let me know. I would love to help these boys heal much earlier in life than I have. I will pray for them.

3) Facebook Teacher: Can't comment on the details, I can only say its very important to be extremely careful about what you put on facebook or any place on the internet. Its true that this blog is such a risk, but for me, its a risk worth taking. However, a teacher should never say anything such as the teacher in question said. I won't comment on the judge's decision.

4) Christmas Tree Tax: HUH? The government doesn't like christmas because of Christ. But now they want more money to promote the trees, that are already extremely popular. Crazy.

happy veteran's day and go vote

2011-11-08T07:12:00.000-05:00

1) A big thank you to all currently servicing service men and women, veterans of US military service, living or dead, and their families. If you are an america citizen, and love freedom, you should thank a veteran today.

2) If you are an american citizen, and a registered voter, you should go vote, if you love to keep your freedom.

gratefully and obligatedly,

Michael

A family of survivors

2011-11-06T10:17:00.001-05:00

Various ancestors of mine have endured and survived, among other things,famine, ocean voyages, wars, economic depression, and at least two major floods. My contribution to the survivor hall of fame in my ancestry: surviving childhood sexual abuse, and major illnesses of a spouse. Hey I am in good company with the likes of robert w., george s., william h., john m., joseph s, and a guy named Faust who lost an eye. So here's to you, survivor ancestors of mine, and I look forward to someday meeting all of you, most for the first time, and talking about it. Until then, rest warriors, I'll take up the flag, and continue the survival.
Amen

Indicators are creeping up

2011-11-01T10:28:00.000-04:00

New home sales, and job listings in my field, as well as in general, have begun to increase recently in my area. Hopefully, when it rains it pours. I am ready to get soaked in prosperity. So bring on the rain. Its been dry for too long.

Choosing to forgive, and move on.

2011-10-31T10:55:00.000-04:00

What 2 males did to me a long time ago was sick and evil, but I am putting it in my past. I choose forgiveness, and will be praying for their souls. I've tried hating them, but I just can't. So I am moving on with my life. I hope they find what they need.

Poor Government

2011-10-30T08:19:00.000-04:00

I blame the government for most problems in the United States, or for that matter the world. I guess one would feel sorry for them, poor government. For instance, illegal immigration( since I saw it on law and order, its on my mind.) The problems caused by illegal immigration are the fault of government policy, not the immigrants themselves. I don't yet have an opinion towards a solution to that particular problem, except to blame the government's stupid policy, and hope to change the government itself. Undocumented workers are simply taking advantage of a flaw created by government. There are many such flaws in other areas, which can be discussed at a later date. Basically, I think most of the evils and problems come from our government policy, ultimately.

forgiving

2011-10-25T11:55:00.000-04:00

Being Catholic, I strive to fulfill the will of Jesus Christ in my life. Now, Jesus is calling me to forgive, but to be honest, that is very hard for me to do, at least in a heartfelt and sincere manner. I guess I need to pray more, and then, when the right words come, write letters to the people in Question. Maybe with forgiveness, if I find the right way, will come peace for me.
strugglingly,
Michael

NoBama anymore.

2011-10-22T11:57:00.000-04:00

I don't like the performance of the POTUS, Barak Obama. I don't wish any harm upon him, but I do hope, and will act accordingly, that he is defeated and that a new president is elected in 2012. I may cover my reasons in a future post. I'll give you one, and that is his handling of the economy. I look forward to your responses with blatant anticipation.

delvingly,
Michael

Opportunity, finally

2011-10-21T14:19:00.000-04:00

So I went to Aerotek Staffing, and spoke with the engineering department staffing agent, Jared. Two observations.

1) I liked that he indicated he wouldn't waste my time, his time, or his clients' time ( in no particular order ), by offering me anything else other than contracts/contract to hire positions in drafting and design.

2) Because I had something specific and desirable to offer, that is not generally offered by job seekers at large, namely drafting and design skills, I was relaxed and confident at the same time. And because what I brought to the table is something I both enjoy and do well, the necessary people skills seemed to come naturally to me. I guess technical skills feed people skills, which in turn enable targeted use of technical skills. Awesome circle. Its like yin and yang, Have one in balance, and the other flows naturally.

Overall, the meeting went very well. Now, its a matter of the right opportunities arising. I'll pray for this, and I welcome any prayers or well wishes from any of you.

More healing?

2011-10-20T21:46:00.002-04:00

My past and my weaknesses have begun to become much less important than living my life as I am, and planning for the future. Its the next step in healing, I think, and I can get used to it.
healingly,

Mike

ps. The Blog has passed another milestone, over 10000 views. Now on to better, hopefully more relevent and happier, subjects.

wisdom, come here, I need you.

2011-10-20T21:37:00.000-04:00

I have the strength needed to make it through. My past has made that certain. Now I am seeking the wisdom that comes with more age. Wisdom, come here, I need you. Its a worthwhile pursuit, Now, I will just find it wherever it is. It may be hard, but my strength will carry me through to where wisdom awaits.

Waxing Religious, with respect to differing opinions

2011-10-19T23:11:00.000-04:00

I don't know what you all believe, but I believe in God. So I am waxing religious. I used to think that God wasn't always with me through my pain and struggles of the last 38 years. I couldn't always see Him. I have come to realize that when I couldn't see Him, it was because He was behind me, taking the blows that life was throwing at me, in my place. I felt but little of the pain, because He absorbed most of it. Its a great comfort in faith to finally understand that God was really there, and that he still is today for me, and for all who choose to believe. This post intends no disrespect to those of differing, or who are devoid of, religious beliefs.

This house isn't 'big enough' for the both of us. ( my son and I ) Read on....

2011-10-13T13:08:00.000-04:00

At least, it isn't if we are both 9 year old boys. Today my son Isaiah turns nine, happy birthday Isaiah.
I've heard that trauma can slow growth, keeping part of a person at the age when it happened. Well, when I was nine, if my math and memory are both correct, two traumatic things happened. One was my parents' divorce. The other was my first incident of sexual abuse. So its possible part of me is stuck at age 9. But, as I said before, my house, and life, are too small for two nine years olds. So one of will either have to leave or stop being nine. The only way to work that out is for me to move past nine. So, I am leaving my past in memory, and bringing my whole life and personhood up to 38, finally. I am ready for my childhood traumas to become nothing more than painful memories. Besides all this, its more than past time for me to get on with the business of living a 38 year old's life.
catch upingly,
Michael

a funny think happened on the way to whereever I was going.

2011-09-29T10:05:00.000-04:00

So, I agreed to take a temp job with possible perm. Its not related to autocad or revit, the software programs I am learning. That's okay. But what's not okay is how I said I could start monday, and then agree to start on thursday, and later friday, only to have it pushed back to monday again. This sounds absurd, but its how it works, I guess. Maybe I will learn not to trust personnel services, who knows. Well, I'll roll with it, but it fails to inspire confidence. Not surprising, but still annoying.

shruggingly,
Michael

Time to start looking forward more.

2011-09-13T08:35:00.000-04:00

Bearing in mind that where I am headed matters at least as much as where I've been, I've decided to go in a new direction today. So, I am offering to you my audience an example of the work I hope will be my new career in drafting.
All designs can also be found in the My Designs page, found on the right.
This one is called Reading Room.

By the way, I had a good morning, no arguing. It might have been the coffee, or the fact that the above design, one of my best so far, was well-liked by my instructor, last night, as well as my classmates, and my wife and son. It was probably a combination of these two and others. And if anyone was upset by my previous post, I apologize. I wasn't comparing 9/11 victims or heroes to ADDers. I was talking about the conspiracy theorists, not the events themselves.

9/11 and ADHD, what do they have in common?

2011-09-11T21:37:00.000-04:00

Well its the 10th anniversary of the september 11th attacks here in the United States. And I have repeatedly heard from various sources that it was a conspiracy, which somehow included jews, wall street traders, and the government of the US. I don't believe any of this, mostly because I don't want to let those truly responsible, and their allies, off the proverbial hook. And now, since my title indicates, ADHD also has this in common, in that many people, possibly including some of these same 9/11 conspiracy theorists, believe that ADHD is also a conspiracy involving doctors, teachers, pharmacists, and drug companies. I guess the suspected motivation for the latter is money, although I cannot imagine what the motivation would be for the former " conspiracy." I don't believe in either, because the experiences of multitudes disprove both. Plus, why go to all the trouble? To achieve any goals, conspiracies seem the least effective method.
disbelievingly of conspiracies, and rememberingly of 9/11 victims and heroes,

Michael

My kid got help, and I hope I am next.

2011-09-06T11:51:00.002-04:00

The school personnel approved my son's 504 plan. It took only 40 minutes, and suffered no impediments. Here's hoping my job search goes just as easy.

heartache and hope.

2011-09-04T21:31:00.000-04:00

Its a heartache when my wife is in pain. Its even worse when guilt compounds it. Guilt that I may have failed to prevent or eliminate the pain. Of course, guilt is mostly wasted. I try to use it to motivate myself to do better, but between all the demands of current life, and my shortcomings from add, and from my difficult childhood, I seem to have difficulty making everything happen. But I will keep working on it. As long as there is breath, there is hope.

I'm growing, and they are shrinking

2011-08-25T15:22:00.000-04:00

I am growing in my healing. Those people who did what they did to me are shrinking in power. I once considered them monsters to be afraid of. Now, they have been demoted in my psyche to sad, pathetic, pitiful, weak men, who are deserving of only pity and scorn. I, on the other hand, am growing out of survival mode, towards, and hopefully soon into, thrival ( is that even an word? ) mode.

Oh, I figured out why I like autocad so much. In the software, I have complete control over a little e-universe. It helps my self esteem when it works out in that autocad world the way I want it to. It helps my sense of lost control that lingers from my abuse.

my gift to myself

2011-08-24T10:36:00.001-04:00

My gift to myself today will be a cleaner house, and more clean clothes. The best gifts are often those we give ourselves. Its definitely worth it. And if I receive the gift of sweat, well, that'll be an extra bonus.

different. but functional

2011-08-23T11:43:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow I turn thirty-eight ( 38 ). I have come to realize that by now, I will always be different. My hope is that despite whatever differences there are between me and the 'average person," I will be able to become functional within my abilities, so that I can be a contributing member of society and the best possible father and husband. If you are a regular reader of my blog, you know what sets me apart from the majority of people. Thankfully, I still have enough in common with the rest of you to somewhat fit in, well mostly anyway. Feel free to add any thoughts you have. Oh, and by the way, I am somewhere between surviving and thriving, and I think I am more than halfway towards the latter.

Michael

Offered a new chance

2011-08-11T12:43:00.000-04:00

I recently found a program that offers, to those who qualify, free medicine. Concerta, which is what I need, is on the list. So I am applying. I will let you all know how it works out.
Hopefully,

Michael

Fight the Hoarding

2011-08-01T11:32:00.000-04:00

If anyone has ever seen my basement or attic, they know I have hoarding tendencies. It appears that my wife and son have similar tendencies. Anyway, I have begun to fight the hoarding. Today, this morning, I threw out seven full bags of junk from my basement. Although the solution is what matters most, its worth noting that my hoarding behaviors are most likely based on a combination of my abuse, and my adhd. Perhaps if I try to solve my hoarding issues, mostly by getting rid of stuff, and organizing what's left, my wife and son won't struggle with it themselves anymore. This won't be easy, because its a guarding behavior, and because adhd makes organizing, as well as finishing tasks, harder. But I am determined to accomplish it. Besides all the practical benefits of dehoarding, its another positive step on the path the healing. And it will combat the disorganization that both exacerbates, and results from, my adhd.
fightingly,
Michael.

frustrated caregiver.

2011-07-29T09:59:00.000-04:00

I try hard, most of the time. But sometimes I can't take away my wife's pain. And that is very frustrating. I have to keep on trying, but I just want to scream my rage to the four winds. I know that won't help the situation, but it would relieve some tension, maybe. And it would be better than picking up the bottle. I don't drink alcohol anymore, but sometimes the itch is there with a vengeance. Anyway, I'll just keep doing my best, and learn how to do better.

to be marked or not to be...

2011-07-28T19:42:00.003-04:00

I am thinking about getting my first tattoo. Anyone have any thoughts?

Face stomping not worth it. Its time to learn to thrive

2011-07-26T13:15:00.000-04:00

I am finally getting past the desire for revenge. I have decided that stomping on their faces, for instance, isn't worth what it would cost me. I have confidence that they are paying for what they did in ways far more painful than anything I could do. Besides which, I have far more than I could have hoped for, in the way of blessings. A house, a wife, a kid, a running car, 2 dogs, and, thanks to the generosity of the state of new jersey, an autocad class that will lead to a new and better career than the one I lost last february after 6 years. Its okay. Blessings outweigh curses. And my wife is not a burden, though caring for her can be stressful at times. I think I am going to stop keeping score. At least, the score of how I have been wronged. Its time to move past merely surviving, into learning how to thrive.

abuse survivor to caregiver.

2011-07-25T16:22:00.002-04:00

Sorry for the delay in posting. Now, on with the show.

Its a peculiar situation. On one hand, I am an abuse survivor, who was forced by the sick acts of others to give up a normal life, along with part of myself. Now, on the other hand, I am a caregiver, motivated by someone else's needs to give part of my life and myself, to help that person have a more normal life.

I will admit that recovering from the former has not helped my ability to adequately perform as the latter. The good news is that more recovery is allowing me to do the job as caregiver better. Its an uphill struggle on both fronts, but the strength gained by survival and recovery from abuse has helped me in enduring the pain of being a caregiver, and especially of watching someone I love suffer so much.

Avoiding the same feelings of self-abandonment and being taken advantage of that result from abuse is hard in the midst of the self-sacrifice that is required of caregivers, especially spousal caregivers. Abuse changes one's behaviors mostly permanently, including in matters of intimacy. Spousal caregiving presents its own complications in matters of intimacy between spouses.

I hope this serves well as an explanation of the differences, and relationship, between abuse survival, and spousal caregiving. To sum up: The former forcibly rips away normalcy through the acts of another person, or persons, based on their own self-love, at the expense of the abuse survivor. The latter freely offers the choice, responsibility, and opportunity to give of oneself for the love and sake of another in legitimate need, to the benefit of both the spouse in need and the spousal caregiver.

Thrivingly and caringly,
Michael

Special Personal Note

2011-07-19T08:59:00.000-04:00

happy family day to the p'burg wisors. To my beautiful wife, happy anniversary.

And to our awesome son, Isaiah, happy adoption day. On this day in 2002, I married the perfect woman, and she keeps getting more perfect every day since. And on this day in 2005, I adopted the best child ever.
Sincerely,
Michael/Daddy

Plan for next school year

2011-07-18T11:48:00.000-04:00

As many of you know, my son shares with me the condition known as ADHD. So my wife and I have decided to put in place for the upcoming school year a request with the school for an Individualized Education Plan(IEP). This should help with his adjustment to a new school in the district, as well making it easier for his teacher to deal with the intricacies of his behavior, by mandating under applicable new jersey state law the availability of relevent resources. Our school district is classified as title I, formerly known as 'Abbott District.' For more information, you can google "new jersey abbott district." Not only will this help my son, and his teacher, but it should help to make my life less complicated, i.e. less meetings with the teacher or other school officials. Feel free to leave any comments or questions about an IEP, or experiences with children who have adhd.
planningly,
Michael

On Jealousy

2011-07-07T21:29:00.001-04:00

Its an easy temptation for me to assume other people either have it easier than I do, or have an easier time handling whatever complications exist in their lives. This impression is based on the outward appearance of those people. However its a mistake on many different levels to be jealous, or to entertain the feelings of jealousy that may arise. The average person I know or meet may or may not have been a victim of sexual abuse. They may or may not have adhd, a sick spouse, sleep apnea, hoarding tendencies, or be the parent of a child with adhd. Its exceptionally unlikely that anyone I meet has 3 or more of these situations in common, and nigh impossible that I will ever meet another person sharing all of the aforementioned. But I have to remind myself that everyone has some struggles, and that no one's life is easy in every way ( or even in any way ). Jealousy causes anger, apathy, and sometimes irrationality. Its also a fake indicator, that is it ignores the negative circumstances surrounding its object. How can I realistically be jealous of say, a person at work, who doesnt seem to show the effects of circumstances not unlike my own. They undoubtedly have some trouble. While someone else's life difficulties may not equal my own, they certainly equal that person's capacity to handle such difficulties. I could be jealous of family and friends, because they have had easier times in some respects, but that would require me to ignore, among other things, divorce, death, and alcohol problems. I guess what I am saying is that jealousy, while sometimes unavoidable, must not be entertained, at least if I want to have either a chance of inner peace, or any semblance of healthy relationships with other people. If what I've said makes sense, I'd love to hear your response. I look forward to your comments.
Michael

PS: At long last, and with no time to spare, the grant application was finally approved. My class starts on monday.

so much....

2011-07-06T22:10:00.000-04:00

I haven't posted in a while, because I've had lots to think about. I still have a lot to say. I just haven't found the right words to use yet. I will try to come up with the right thing to type here, about what I think and feel. I will get back to you all soon.
Michael

that's a scary realization

2011-06-21T10:51:00.000-04:00

I'ver recently come to recognize, among other things, how much more I need to rely on myself. Friends, community resources, even the government, seem little able and willing to help me. If I am offered help, it usually involves some variety of terms. Not even people who are paid by a third party to help people like me, are helping me. An example. The unemployment office has a grant personnel dept. whose job it is to help people who are unemployed or underemployed get funding for training, in my case autocad. I did all the required research and planning, and submitted the paperwork. I even made the appointment. Today, the coordinator called and cancelled, and didn't even reschedule. She said she would call, but given how long it took to speak to her the first time, I won't hold my breath. Now I hope this works out, but time is an issue. I am concerned the deadline for the grant will not be met. This seems to be another example of someone else, especially who is paid to help me, not even trying to help in, at least in the way I need, and that they are expected to, by their employer. Its time for me to start helping myself a lot more. Its become clear that any help from anyone else is going to be rare and mostly insufficient. I guess I should have learned this lesson a long time ago, but better late than never.

getting out of myself

2011-06-14T17:10:00.000-04:00

One of the best ways to promote healing or to raise self-esteem, for me at least, is to get out of myself. Due to various constraints and demands, I am unable to do this in 'real-time.' But I am able to help others online, through this blog, and through various online forums and websites. I have been woithdrawn somewhat the past few months, but I am beginning again to look outwards, for ways to help others, within my ability. Not only will this help me feel better, but it will also help motivate me to improve myself, and my own situation, so that reaching out becomes easier. For example, if I need to clean the kitchen\, I am more likely to do that if it will later allow me to log on and share my experiences and counsel with, for instance, other male survivors, or spousal caregivers. The only problem is when I don't give, but only seek to get, help. While I do need help, I don't always need all the help. The challenge will be to balance hgelping others in these situations with getting the support I need.
both sidedly,
Michael

School schmool...

2011-05-31T10:55:00.001-04:00

At least I feel that way right now. My wife and I have a meeting with school personnel about our son's behavior. Now the best I can figure, there are two possible scenarios at the school...
1) they didn't notice the behavior until very recently, which seem unlikely, given the overt nature of said behavior.
2) They knew months ago about the extent of the behavior, but chose not to address it with us until now, with only two weeks left in the school year.
So either they weren't paying enough attention, or else they chose not to care.
oy vey...
Anyway, I have to go, and be civil. I'll try to avoid politely reminding them whose votes and taxes are the source of their jobs and system. It will be tiresome oin my mind to fight back the impulsivity ( due to currently untreatred adhd ) but I will manage.
I don't really need this additional 'monkey wrench,' but I guess it just fits into the already complicated life of my household.
tiringly,
Michael

p.s. I am trying to post more, I know its been scant. I will have to make a more concerted ( concerta?) effort.

Note: My son's Teacher is not, and never was, the problem. I blame the system, i.e. the administration. Its a common mistake to confuse teachers with the school system itself. In my opinion, Teachers are as much victims of the system as students. I think the school system, and its administrators, owe teachers an apology, as well as to fix the problem, even if it means laying off high level people, so that teachers can have more resources. That's my rant fotr today.

a departure from the ordinary ( for me )

2011-05-25T08:12:00.000-04:00

I generally don't comment on religion or news, unless it pertains specifically to my situations. But today, I am daring to tread those uncertain waters. You might have heard of Harold Camping. He's the guy who predicted the May 21st end of world. Obviously, most of us are still here, including Camping and his followers. The real lesson, which I hope we already know, is live as if you will cease to exist five minutes from now. I know this sounds obvious, but the recently doomsday hysteria makes this lesson still worth noting. I for one would change nothing, if I hypothetically knew the end was coming, for me or the world. If I were to change for that reason, it would be fake and phony, and that's not a realistic way to live. Now, go out there and live. And please, for the sake of your own sanity, ignore Harold Camping, and those of his ilk. Even though his ideas may be laughable, he isn't even worth the time it takes to laugh.

what do you get when you mix a giraffe with an elephant?

2011-05-18T16:20:00.001-04:00

I don't know, but I hope it never tries to step on me. That reminds me of another riddle: What do you get when you mix a male survivor of sexual abuse, who has ADHD, and a disabled spouse, with no medicine and no therapy. The Answer: A complicated mess. I am trying hard to keep it in line, and I am almost succeeding, but with so much pushing on me, and so little resources being utilized ( mainly due to no health insurance ) its very confusing. I cope by not dealing with too much at any one time. I also have begun to rely heavily on my cell phone's calendar and alert functions. This seems to help a lot. The aforementioned mix of circumstances is also why I haven't posted as much as I would like. Without the meds helping my brain to quell distractions, its easy to lose focus on some of the "non-urgent" tasks and goals. Hopefully I will be writing again soon. Hopefully, I will also soon be back on meds, and find a therapist qualified to handle the variety of issues I have to face. In the meantime, I will try avoid that giraphant that is always swinging its long and very heavy legs around above my head
self-urgingly, and dodgingly,
Michael

ARGGG>>>>

2011-05-10T19:56:00.000-04:00

I had a long and in depth post, but an accidental ****ing (sorry couldn't help frustration)
keystroke erased the typing. So, to sum up:
1) Back at work, home depot, It helps to chase away unemployment blues.
2) My son's first communion is saturday, its motivating me to deepen my faith.
3) My short story about child abuse is in the works.
4) Sad when my wife struggles, but cheering for her successes.
5) ADHD is stronger, cause no insurance means no medicine or therapy. I hope to rectify this soon
6) thanks for still reading. I'll have more stuff soon, maybe even back to daily posts before may ends.
regroovingly,
michael

band-aid solutions

2011-05-05T07:53:00.000-04:00

I have a few choices to make, which involve band-aid solutions. If I choose the 'wrong' way, it would be like putting a band aid on a gaping wound, or to quote William Tecumseh Sherman, " trying to put out a burning house with a squirt gun." I have to think carefully before choosing, and I am closing in on the time when a decision is required. One thing's for certain. I won't have to go back and forth much longer.

Venture yourt opinions please

2011-04-29T20:35:00.000-04:00

I am beginning to write my first three short stories. For informational purposes, please rate these from 1( best ) to 3 ( least interesting ) .
a) A boy who likes to fish is saved from his aunt's predatory boyfriend by his previously unliked cousin/
b) An aspiring author struggles to balance ADHD and life's demands with his writing
c) In a remote south pacific atoll, a genetic experiment using shark fossils goes horribly wrong.

I know c doesn't quite fit with the other two, but its inspired by one of my son's interests.
Please comment and let me know what you think, for informational purposes only. I am going to write these in any case. I just would like feedback for my own planning reasons.

abuse goes to church and adhd takes a drive,

2011-04-25T20:48:00.000-04:00

I went to easter mass sunday, and prayed hard during it, about my earlier history of abuse, and my somewhat rocky path towards believing myself worthy of love. So my easter started interestingly enough, when my abuse went to church, and please no comments about priests, I wsn't referring to that sort of problem.My easter sunday also ended in a unique way, although most days begin and end interestingly for me. I was stuck in pouring rain on the garden state parkway in New Jersey, on the way home from a family dinner, which actually weas quite pleasant. Anyone who has ever driven the GSP knows what I mean. I would have gotten home close to midnight, or even after, had I waited in the line I was in. adderish me, using my impulsivity, and my internal GPS, AKA excellent cartography skills I think I was born with, and not sure which parent I got it from, to drive past the backup, and double back in the opposite direction, using an alternate route to get onto the road I needed to be on. Adhd helped to save the day, errhh, the rainy night. So a day that started with fear facing faith, when abuse went to church, ended with positive overcoming negative, after ADHD took a drive.

its always something

2011-04-22T14:56:00.000-04:00

My wife caught the stomach flu, and then she gave it to me. Its hard to write, or clean, when you are physically run down from the 24 hour bug. I should feel better tomorrow. Maybe its a Good Friday Thing. I could be sharing in the pain of Jesus, or something. Anyway, I should be back on better ground by tomorrow.

Is it safe?

2011-04-19T22:02:00.000-04:00

Yes it is, if its only written. Writing is a safe, and legal, aside from threats, slander and plagiarism, way to say, think, be, or do anything the author needs. In my case, its my safe and legal way to explore my experiences, thoughts, feelings and behaviors. The reason I have the need, and also the ability, to write is because I have so many of the aforementioned sources of inspiration, both good and bad. I will be writing fiction because the characters can be me without 'being' me, if that makes sense. Its safe and legal if I act out all that's inside me through the characters on paper, or on the computer screen. Hopefully, the characters doing what I cannot, will not, or must not, do, will help me understand, and change what I need to. It may not be why every author writes, but its good enough for me. Plus, its safe.

update 2.0

2011-04-18T14:05:00.001-04:00

I have lots to say, except to rehash the feelings from my past. I am trying to move past nightmares, and deal with current realities. From a practical perspective, I have to try to pay the bills. I am also wondering whether I should keep posting on this particular blog, or consider starting a new blog. Of course, with so much to say in so many different areas, its hard to decide which direction to go. Any thoughts from you, my readers, would be most welcome. Until next time, hopefully soon,

wanderingly ( and wonderingly )

Michael

update

2011-03-17T11:35:00.000-04:00

I've been unemployed for three weeks. I am pursuing, or at least planning for, a career in writing, as well as looking for something to pay the bills. I hope this all works out. I will be back again soon. Be well.

au revoir

2011-02-24T13:08:00.000-05:00

I need to take time off from blogging for a while. I don't know how long.
1) I got laid off
2) my computer at home stopped working.
I used the library computer to post this, but it'll be the last one for a while.
I will be back sometime. Meanwhile, take care of yourselves.
Michael

two things lost in the shuffle

2011-02-23T10:06:00.002-05:00

In the struggle to survive, two very important and practical aspects were left behind.
1) How to handle money
2) how to clean and organize
These two are hard for me, and made even harder by being part of all the other issues I have. Its back to square one in these areas, because most of what I did learn doesn't work for me. I can't really take advice, even well-founded and good intentioned advice, because my situation is so unique. Its time to learn again what I thought I knew about these two vital, but sadly neglected, aspects of life.

2011-02-22T09:31:00.000-05:00

I had trouble coming up with a suitable title, or the right words to express my thoughts today. So, I'll be straughtforward. I do need my job, at least until I find another one that is suitable. But my personality is not the best suited for my job. I have ideas and creativity. I am looking for the right channel to express these, and also earn a living at the same time. I will have to do some research, some soul searching, and some experimentation to find out where I 'belong.' I hope I explained my thoughts well enough. This kind of thing is hard to put into words.
Michael

Scott brown, well done, and very courageous.

2011-02-21T12:44:00.000-05:00

Scott Brown, a US senator from the state of Massachusettes, in his recent book, and in several television appearances, has admitted that he suffered childhood sexual and physical abuse. I, for one, say well done, and very courageous to the Senator. Famous faces and leaders coming forward with their stories helps the rest of us survivors, whether male or female, with hope that our stories can be told. Its helping to break the veil of secrecy that has kept many of us hidden in the shroud of denial and shame for too long. You can find his book HERE. Congratulations Mr. Brown, on your book, but mostly on your survival, and your courage to tell your story.

time to find another one

2011-02-18T09:01:00.002-05:00

The doctors and counselors I have seen in the past about my multiple issues haven't been very responsive or helpful. Its time to look for some new ones. Hopefully, a psychiatrist who is willing to prescribe and also provide counseling. I will be looking at my insurance list, and if all goes well, finding one and calling for an appt. Wish me luck.

gotta be an emotional sponge, sometimes.

2011-02-17T08:28:00.000-05:00

Sometimes, part of being a spousal caregiver is being wlling to become the emotional sponge. I have to absorb a lot of unfiltered raw emotion, and then wring myself out at another time. This isn't easy, but its the right thing to do. And this isn't about blame. Its about taking responsibility for what I am charged with doing as a caregiver. The task of caregiving isn't only physical. Its mental and emotional too. And yes, its spiritual, though how that aspect manifests itself will differ from person to person. Patience is the number one virtue in this, because sponges are sometimes required absorb more than their own weight in 'water.'

I haven't thought about it much in a while

2011-02-16T09:07:00.000-05:00

I haven't thought much recently about the incest that happened to me. It still horrifies me when I do, and sometimes haunts my dreams, but waking conscious thoughts rarely turn in that direction. I am not in denial, because I have accepted that it happened, and that its not my fault. I guess I just turned another direction most of the time,. Of course, the people are even more absent from my life, by my choice, than the thoughts are. I guess that's part of healing. Its not under the rug, or in the back of my closet. It just sits on my shelf, with an occasional dusting. mostly I overlook it, because there is nothing new to look at, right now. I don't try to hide it. I just am rare to bring attention to it. I am sure there are times in the future when I will examine the issue further, but right now it just sits there collecting 'dust.' I will leave it where it is, as a reminder if I need one.

Michael
P.S.
I am now on Triond ( a publishing website ). I will put a link up soon.

taking advantage

2011-02-15T09:36:00.000-05:00

ADDers are a clever bunch. We can, and sometimes do, take advantage of ADHD. Children do this a lot, and adults to a lesser extent. Take my son for instance. He will do things for attention, 'by accident' especially when he hasn't had his meds yet. Its important to be careful with your own mind, or if your child has adhd, with theirs. Knowing that at certain times medicine is not in effect or has not yet been administered, the tendency exists to do things that either garner attention or satisfy the urge for excitement, and then blame it on not having been medicated at the time. Sometimes ADDers legitimately have an issue, but many times its 'taking advantage of the disadvantage.' What must be remembered, and reinforced, is the (somewhat obvious)fact that you, or your child, is still a human being, and likely an intelligent one. While adhd is real, its not an excuse. Taking advantage of the disadvantageous parts of ADHD is a willing choice like any other. And you can tell, by listening to the speech, and watching the behavior and responses, of yourself, or if a parent of an ADDer, your child. By stopping use of the 'disadvantageous advantage,' you allow your child, or yourself, to learn and grow, and hopefully, to rise above ADHD's less beneficial side effects.

Michael

adhd valentine's day

2011-02-14T08:25:00.000-05:00

happy valentine's day. I forgot to sign your card. I finally remembered what you really wanted, but then I got so busy I forgot to go to the store. I want to take you to dinner tonight, but I forgot to wash that nice dress you always like to wear, and I also misplaced my favorite tie. The kid's acting all hyper, but I did make sure he didn't forget his valentine's day cards for the whole class, and errmm... the one for his teacher. Ah..., young love. All this talk has me distracted. I better focus on my job for a while. I will remember, I think, to call you today. Yes, I gave him his medicine. No, I didn't forget to take the dogs out. I will do, oh hey are you going to that appt today. Okay, just checking. I will... is that a heart shaped cloud?

Happy Valentine's Day.

Michael

Short today

2011-02-11T09:57:00.001-05:00

I am working on some other aspects of my site today, so this post will be short. Thank God Its Friday. Welcome to my newest Follower, Lynn. I hope the new features I am adding will enhance the site and add to your experience here.

Michael

Its like looking into a (funhouse) mirror

2011-02-10T09:11:00.000-05:00

My son has ADHD, as most of you know, and is also adopted, as most of you also know. His behavior is very similar to my own because of ADHD. But his genetic differences make the behavior vary enough so that the mirror I see in him can become more like a funhouse mirror. You know the ones. Look at the reflection. Its me but not me. Sometimes, however, I can make him look normal. Thankfully, he doesn't have the stigma of abuse hanging over him. God willing, he will never know such pain. Sometimes it takes a child to show an adult how to be normal, or at least as normal as possible.

rubbing perpendicular

2011-02-09T09:28:00.000-05:00

People get 'rubbed the wrong way' over a variety of situations. One of my difficulties in relating to some people is that my rubbing runs perpendicular to most people's. I get bothered over things that most people would ignore, and I can overlook many things that most people would take major issue with. These matters are complicated further by the fact the latter category contains things that are very mundane, and the former contains issues that most people think are remote to them. When this happens, the people and I have a break with each other, and it goes something like this. I think they are weak, obsessed with minutiae, and would probably be in an asylum after but one day spent in my life. They indicate they think I am apathetic, or worse, deliberately ignorant. As you can well imagine, this causes problems. I can't unring the bells that have tolled in my life, that is, my experiences and situations. On the other hand, I do need to function in society. So I have to find a balance, but its hard. Not only can I only come so far, like the sea, those people, the 'shore sand,' would be lost if they ventured too far into the waves. Of course, I only can learn to control myself and my own choices. So the burden, for me at least, lies with me. Thankfully, the strength which allows me to overlook some things also has helped me to go 'around' or 'through ' people if they refuse or are unable to go 'with me' towards solutions.

patience without excuses

2011-02-08T09:14:00.000-05:00

One of the hardest parts of being a caregiver is learning the balance between being patient with my own shortcomings and making excuses for needless failure. I often have to ask myself, " is not having done X a result of my human weakness, or a deliberate inability to have compassion, " X being any task that needs done, especially as a caregiver. Like when I didn't clean the kitchen table last night. Was it that I simply forgot because I was tired, or was it that I allowed myself to get too distracted to notice or care. I can't always be sure, because its a fine line. The former is sometimes unavoidable, and the latter is always preventable, if I do things 'right.' Its the tightrope of patience, with excuses waiting to pull me off to either side, causing a long fall, followed by a short stop.

Michael.

I think I need why, and yet I don't want to know why

2011-02-07T08:22:00.000-05:00

In thinking about everything, and the aftermath, the question of why is the hardest part of dealing with it all. I need to know why, so I can begin to understand, and so I can share my story more adequately. yet, I don't want to know why. Why forces me to probe much deeper than I would feel comfortable doing. So I am stuck between the need to understand, and the fear of deeper understanding, regarding all of what I( and those I care about) have been through. Its this journey into what it means, that is the hardest part of the experiences. yet, this is the most vital, and demanding part. Closure only begins when I can internalize the reality of the situation, by coming to understand the meaning. .

Seekingly, but hesitantly,
Michael

If you take nothing else from my blog, know this at least

2011-02-04T09:00:00.000-05:00

Three things worth remembering:
1) If you are a spousal or family caregiver, the person you are caring for most likely is hurting at least as much as you.
2) If properly managed, ADHD has many more benefits than drawbacks.
3) Rape, Abuse, and/or Incest are NEVER the victim's or survivor's fault.

I pretty much summed up in the preceding three sentences the most important lessons I have learned. Oh I forgot the most important lesson of all, which applies to anyone:

You are not alone!

Michael

6 years enough?

2011-02-03T08:17:00.000-05:00

Don't worry, my boss doesn't know my blog exists. So, after 6 years ( or 5 years and 11 months ) I am considering a change. Boredom is a major problem with ADDers. Also, I have experienced tremendous growth and change as a person in the last 15 months, as those following my blog, or who know me, understand. I am definitely a different person now than I was in 2005, which seems a lifetime ago. I won't leave without somewhere else to go, but I have begun to seek such a place. Sometimes you need to just get ready for a change. Besides, when I've changed, but the people around me, i.e. bosses and co-workers, act like I not only haven't, but can't, friction results, and friction is leading to burnout. So I've been looking up and down the 'street' and on the side streets. The time may soon come when I 'move on down the road apiece' and see what's there. It used to terrify me, but anymore, a job change, if done properly, would be a refreshing event.

what do I take pleasure in. I'm not sure.

2011-02-01T09:23:00.000-05:00

There are times when I don't know what I would enjoy, or what would motivate me as a reward. Has anyone else ever found themselves in a situation such as this, when you can't decide what would be the most rewarding task or activity, especially during times of overall boredom.?

comment-ary

2011-01-31T11:49:00.000-05:00

Please don't give comments that are not related to my blog, or to my postings. You know who you are. I do have a spam comment filter, but I have no desire to waste my time, your time, or the filter's time. Its a very small percentage, to be sure, but its annoying. I hope you will respect my blog, and my followers, enough to adhere to relevence. If not, I will consider taking action as necessary. I hate to sound mean, but sometimes people push the envelope. Guildelines:
-No solicitation of nonrelated products and services
-No explicit comments of a sexual or violent nature
-No irrelevent commercial third party links.
If you have a product, service or site that is relevent, please let me know. If its commercial, and appropriate, I am happy to work with you regarding advertising. However, I don't get charged to maintain this blog, and I don't charge my readers for reading. Free advertising of random products and services isn't the purpose here.

To all my content based readers and comment posters, I apologize for this somewhat out of character diatribe. I do appreciate all your readership and comments. This was directed at a select very few parties who have shown little or no respect for the integrity of this blog. I will be back to regular postings very soon.

Michael

am I ready? I hope so

2011-01-28T09:41:00.000-05:00

I am trying to break into the motivational speaker/writer circuit. Its not an easy sell. I don't know if I am ready, but I can't wait until I feel that I am ready, because time and life won't wait. No one is ever completely ready to do something worthwhile. I have some rough edges, but I won't let that keep me from pursuing this dream. If I can learn how to be a better communicator, especially in writing and public speaking, the lessons and wisdom that can be shared are abundant. I can help alleviate some pain, fear, and guilt on my own part, by helping others. And, perhaps, I can make some money in the process, though I want to do this regardless.

There's pain, but hope is stronger

2011-01-27T12:46:00.000-05:00

I can't deny the past or present pain. But I can no longer deny the hope that others would disallow me. I have hope, because I can, and because I have to. The bright side, if there is one, of all my experiences, is that I can understand how others in similar situations are feeling. Hope is within me, hope for a brighter tomorrow, and for a stronger today. So all you abuse survivors, caregivers, people struggling with focus and concentration, anyone looking for peace. I understand, because I've been there, and still am in some cases. I can offer you hope, because I have it. Grasping hope that is offered is the biggest lesson I am learning from all I've been through. And the biggest challenge I have is sharing that hope with others. Hang onto your hope, especially through the pain. And if you need some, I will be happy to share mine.

Embracingly,
Michael

Channeling my inner canine

2011-01-26T10:24:00.000-05:00

Dog experts around the world agree on the fact that a calm, quiet, dog is a happy dog. Well, then stick some fur on me, and give me a tail, because I am channeling my inner canine. I'm at my happiest, and often most productive, when I am calm and quiet. The problem is that people expect different behavior from human than from dogs. When I am calm and quiet, people think of me as aloof, listless, or even apathetic. I can't force people to look at me. or life, the same way I do. I don't know if its a side effect of my adhd, a step in search for peace, or a defense mechanism from enduring and surviving my childhood abuse, but its part of who I am. Sometimes, I seem to get along better with my dogs than with many of my human acquaintances. I have tried explaining the calm quietness to others, but most people can't seem to understand, or don't want to accept, this part of my behavior. I will change for the better, if it helps to meet my goals, but I won't change this, or any, aspect of my personality, just to make other people feel better about themselves, or even to accept me better, unless a specific, imperative end is the necessary effect of such change. Meanwhile, I will remain, apparently, an emotional canine-human hybrid.

Survival Strategies

2011-01-25T14:36:00.000-05:00

1) The number one thing I did to survive my childhood abuse was to forget. I didn't do this voluntarily. My brain did it for me. I would, however, have chosen to forget, until the time was right, which my brain decided was at age 35-36.
2) By trying to find time to attend to myself, I find that I am better able to handle external ( to myself ) demands.
3) It definitely helps to get as much done as I can, as soon and as quickly as I can. This is hard, given my inner propensity to get distracted, and the multiple issues that can cause me to go in different directions.
4) I have found that the more connections you have with people sharing common issues, the easier it will be to deal with those issues.
5) Get any needed medication, therapy, and medical attention you need, to help you perform better in life.
6) Find a way to express whatever faith or belief you have, according to the tradition you adhere to, if any. Mine is Christianity, under the auspices of Roman Catholic Teaching.
7) Communicate with others, any time you need to, and don't be afraid to ask for help.
8) Whatever you enjoy, especially if it has some tangible benefit, enjoy it with gusto. By this zeal, any practical benefits will be increased.

If, like me, you can only do some or few of these, don't get mad at yourself. You can only do what is able Focus on the ones you can achieve, and do those the best you can. You are worth it, and so am I

Sign of maturity?

2011-01-24T08:05:00.001-05:00

I always wear hats. But this weekend, and on the advice of my wife, I switched from baseball caps to a 'grown up' hat. You know, the kind of hat they sell at kohls, or jcpenneys. It might just be a fashion change, but its possibly also a sign of maturity, an indication that I am finally catching up to my physical age. I like the new hat. I will save my baseball caps for fishing, and cleaning. I am starting to like acting more like a 37 year old than a 17 year old.
Writing from the back side of the 20/30 line,
Michael.

The face of Janus

2011-01-21T09:13:00.000-05:00

Janus, for those of you who don't know, is the mythological roman god that the month January is named for. His icon is one with two faces, one looking back and one looking forward. I did some math. Based on the average life expectancy of a person in my demographic profile, I am at approximately the half way point, age wise, of my life, give or take a 1 or 2 years. So, I have the face of Janus right now. I am looking back, and also looking forward. The adolescent fear is gone. I am becoming okay with the grey in my hair. Not too much of it yet, mind you. My goatee is what I call cinnamon(brown-red) and sugar(grey-white). Hopefully, the loss of my 'youthful energy' that I had at age 21 is being balanced by more wisdom, and more control. I'd like to think, I am old enough to know better, and and still young enough to do something about it. While some circumstances are hard, overall, I am okay with being who and what I am. And I have just the right mix of energy and wisdom to keep on trying to fix what I need to. Yes, I was abused. But I survived. I do have ADHD, but I am learning to handle things despite that. And yes, I have a son with behavior issues, and a wife who does require some extra attention, and financial problems. But I have survived thus far, And from having experienced all this, I have learned that I can deal with life on my own terms, even if the unexpected occurs.

I also apparently have the ability to ramble.
Januarily,
Michael

Even sweeter than it is short

2011-01-20T08:07:00.000-05:00

Please alllow me a rare indulgence. I am blogging towards myself today. Here goes:

You did it, man. You are a survivor. Congratulations, Well Done. From me to me, here's a smile and a pat on the back.

That's it. An uncommon opportunity and choice. Once in a while, even I deserve credit from myself.

Back to regular posting tomorrow.

To seek help or not to seek help

2011-01-19T10:37:00.000-05:00

People need help sometimes. Its not a sign of weakness. Go HERE for an article I have found very useful about getting help to care for a spouse. A portion of the article is pasted below, with some comments by me.

Honestly evaluate the magnitude of the situation. One must consider more than just the daily needs of the sick or injured person. There may be a loss of income while the sick or injured spouse is not working. There may be sudden changes in lifestyle. The well spouse may have to adjust his or her own employment schedule or take time off from work. Younger family members still need attention, too.
I have found this to be very true. I have used a considerable portion of my personal vacation time from work. We have had to make some adjustments to our budget. Even my son has had to do many things differently than he did before.

Realize that one person cannot possibly do it all. When injury or illness strikes, it is often the well spouse or sgnificant other who insists on being there – driven by marital duty and loyalty – to care for the other person. But no matter how efficient, energetic, or organized the well spouse may be, no one person can reasonably or sufficiently manage everything.
This is something I struggle with. I am a 'broken' hero. I try to do my best, which isn't always possible. And when I fail, I take it very hard on myself. Sometimes, I have a tendency to 'lose myself' in all my responsibilities, which is especially hard for me, because of my loss of control early in life ( childhood trauma ).
Recognize that pushing beyond reasonable limits can lead to burnout and resentment. Never underestimate the size of a caregiver's job. Whether actively or passively involved, even simple duties demand time and energy. This sounds just like me. I sometimes plan and promise more than I can deliver. This leads to a variety of negative feelings and, sometimes, bad times between myself and others.

Know that paying attention to one's own needs is imperative. Caregiver spouses who allow no time for self-indulgence, and who do not properly maintain their own care, risk burnout or becoming ill. Depression, isolation, and resentment are signs of burnout. Overeating, alcohol abuse, bouts of anger, and inattention to appearance, are just a few of the danger signals that an overworked spouse may need help. Of those signs listed, I have experienced three of four recently to varying extents. Its about balance, but that is not something that can easily be achieved. I am pulled in several different directions, and its hard to maintain composure sometimes.

Expect a romantic relationship to suffer without help. When one spouse is overburdened, and the partner feels powerless to help, problems with sex and intimacy in the relationship are almost certain to develop. Furthermore, the perception of traditional roles of husband and wife change when one spouse sustains a devastating injury or is suddenly diagnosed with a long-term illness. Yes, that is the case with my wife and I sometimes. Of course, this aspect is personal, and not something I can discuss openly.

Accept that dignity and self-esteem play a vital part when a spouse is chronically sick or injured. When it comes to personal hygiene care, some husbands and wives are just not comfortable accepting help from the well spouse. Help can come from an agency caregiver, a volunteer, or from a personal care attendant (PCA). To engender dignity and self-esteem in my wife, I am trying to show more respect and kindness. This isn't always easy for me.

Thankfully, I do sometimes have help from some people. To those people, I am grateful. There is hope, because I want to do better, and because people of good will do agree to help. This post is meant to help explain some of the stressors in my life, and hopefully, come up with some solutions.

A parent checklist ( mature subject advisory )

2011-01-17T08:41:00.001-05:00

The link to this article, pasted below(with some commentary by Me) is HERE.

Here are some tips to help you keep your child safe from sexual predators.

Regardless of the pronouns used, all these suggestions apply equally to both genders.
Let her scream. As a matter of fact, be happy she screams. Many children in abusive homes cannot scream when they are afraid due to the learned behavior of staying quiet in order to avoid being hurt. If a molester approaches your child you want her to scream. Screaming draws attention and attention will most likely persuade a molester to flee.

This is something I never learned to do. I am making up for my past silence by being extremely 'loud' now and in the future.

2

Know where your child is--always. Have him check in regularly and be consistent with this rule. After following this for a length of time, checking in will become habit (for which you will be thankful come teenage years). A child molester has less chance of harming your child if you know where he is and what his plans are.

Also know who he or she is with. Beware especially if someone gives little johnny or melinda extra special attention, or offers to watch only one child.

3

Teach her about her body at a young age and explain how no one is allowed to touch her on or around her private areas. Avoid scare tactics by telling her the facts. Fear will only make her more vulnerable to a child molester because fear hinders clear thinking.

Balance is key. Don't over-expose the child, because you want them to have some respect for their own bodies, other people's bodies, and for sexual behavior. On the other hand, complete ignorace of the facts will make a child more susceptible to predators.

4

Use appropriate terms for body parts (When he's older and know these names you can use slang terms if it makes him more comfortable). This will keep the discussions at a level he can understand. Let's face the facts; it is important for him to know the correct names of his body parts because if he is molested it will help in any investigations, observations and court procedures.

I agree with this. Silly names are for foolish people.

5

Teach her to respect herself as well as to demand respect from others. In learning how she should be treated, she will be much quicker to recognize when she is being treated in an ill manner. A molester will also identify a child who has this knowledge and be more likely to move on, leaving your child safe.

If a child lacks respect, whether towards others or himself, or from others, he is less likely to resist a predator, or to tell what happened. The less the level of mutual and self respect, the longer it will take for the child to reveal what happened. This may push disclosure even into adulthood, 20 or more years.

6

Don't put off his claims to being uncomfortable around someone, even if that someone is your parent, grandparent or best friend. Molesters are people from all walks of life. If he is insistent he doesn't want to stay with someone there might be a good reason. Children are very perceptive, even when they don't understand their feelings.

Teaching children to respect adults is fine, but don't teach them to instantly obey all adults, especially if their feelings tell them otherwise. In cases of mistrust, children should be free to tell a parent or other adult they do trust, about how they feel.

7

Keep communication lines open at all times. Talking to her is essential as it teaches her to always be comfortable telling you anything. Many children who are molested feel they have done something wrong and will not talk about what has happened if they aren't comfortable with you.

I know the shame and fear associated with molestation firsthand. A child should never be afraid to talk to their parents, teachers, or other close adults. Most of all, if they come to you about what is bothering them, don't ever treat their feelings as a weakness. If they are sad, for instance, about breaking a toy, and won't tell you, how much more so will they hide an attack against them, for fear you will blame them.

8

Show him how to be polite but cautious of strangers even while reassuring him there are many good people in the world. He should know it is OK to question everyone, no matter who they are.

Good advice for children and adults both.

This checklist isn't meant to be all-inclusive, or foolproof. While the chances of predators hurting children will never be zero percent, following these suggestions should greatly decrease the possibility.

Note: Failure to follow these rules, or to prevent child molestation, doesn't make one a complete failure as a parent or concerned adult. I am only presenting this as a collection of usable ideas, and not as a judgement or critiquing of anyone's parental, or child caring, style. We all must do what we can for our own, and each others, children. I am not naiive enough to think all incidents can be avoided. I am simply trying to encourage others that there are ways to keep children safer, now and in the future. While my abuse is in the past, and it can't be changed, I am healing. I hope that going forward, I can help to save some children from the same fate. And for those who weren't saved from it, I can offer hope for healing. And for those parents whose children were molested, assurances that even though they may have failed to prevent it, they can still help their children, even as adults, heal, by being supportive of them, no matter how bad it may feel. Ultimately, only the predators themselves are responsible for what they did, and the after-effects, to their victims/survivors.

Take heart, even if things don't always work out.

2011-01-14T09:12:00.001-05:00

You can do all the right things and still have a bad outcome. That's all for now. More Later. Don't forget about my Amazon Storefront. Lots of great books there. Sorry, i'm rather out of sorts at the moment. I am, however taking suggestions, as well as mulling ideas, on the use of the ten new standalone pages that Blogger has attached to all its blog accounts. If you have any ideas on pages, feel free to let me know. I will be rolling some pages out in the next several days.

available to share my perspectives.

2011-01-13T10:14:00.000-05:00

if anyone knows of any organization, group, or event dealing with the issues discussed in my blog, I would be happy to speak, write, or present, either online or in person, about any of the issues. Please let me know if you are aware of any such opportunities, or have the coordinators of those events or groups contact me.

resources

2011-01-13T08:47:00.001-05:00

I have compiled some resources for various needs. The links are below, along with brief descriptions.

http://malesurvivor.org/ This website is for male survivors of sexual abuse, and those who care for or about them.

http://rainn.org/ The rape, abuse, and incest national network is for any survivors of rape, abuse or incest, of either gender, although it tends to be slightly more focused on females. But that's based on demographics.

http://addforums.com/ Forums for those with ADD, and their friends and family. Also has some forums for other related conditions ( ptsd, aspergers, autism, etc... )

Below are Laws and Resources For US Residents ( for other countries, please consult your countries central government website )

http://www.ada.gov/ The Americans with Disabilities Act provides information on conditions that may qualify for accomodations at work and in public places. If a condtion inhibits your performance or access, you may qualify ( extrem add, ptsd, etc...)]

http://www.dol.gov/whd/fmla/ The family medical leave act provides leave opportunities and job protection for qualifying medical or care related issues.

http://www.ssa.gov/ssi/ The guide to supplemental security income for disabled individuals.

http://www.meganslaw.com/ The national sex offenders registry website. Links to state lists are provided.

I hope these links can help. Any help is better than struggling alone.

what its REALLY about

2011-01-12T09:44:00.000-05:00

This blog, and my struggle, aren't about what happened to me, or what is wrong now. They are about hope and and change. I am getting well, and I will be well. Its all in my power, or at least most of it is. I have a positive attitude about the future. I will overcome these things. But even if I still fail sometimes, I've come too far to turn back now. No more silence. No more hiding. Its time to embrace the light, and to make a difference, for me, my family, and the world.

bonus post, but a sad commentary

2011-01-11T12:05:00.000-05:00

Anyone who has been, or was, molested as a child faces the horrible reality of growing up with that pain, as I can attest, sadly. One of the problems with society at large, regarding this, is the disparity of acknowledgement and treatment of abuse victims based on gender. Female victims/survivors are, for lack of a better phrase, 'more acceptable' than males in similar situations. I am not sure why this is, except that I guess boys are thought of as 'little men' whereas females of any age are considered girls, for purposes of dealing with abuse survival. This is a small, but important, part of the recovery and healing for boys who grow up to be men who survived. Society says men and women are equal, but this part seems swept under the rug of political correctness. This is something that needs to be changed, and I hope to be part of the solution, with this blog, and in other ways. I am not by any means trying to dimininsh the pain of female survivors. I just think all survivors of either gender should be afforded equal recognition and help.

2011-01-11T10:05:00.000-05:00

I know most people don't have as much control as they would like in their own lives. Life takes away some control, even in optimal circumstances. Here is my problem. In addition to life in general, I have a trio of further causes that have taken away my control further. Between surviving the sexual abuse, having adhd(my son and I both), and my wife's illnesses, I have experienced a greater loss of power in my life than many other people I know. This is quite obviously a problem. The solution I have come up with is to, as best I can, assume control over that which I can control, and accept what I cannot, without allowing those things to take more power away. Too much has been lost already. This reminds me of the serenity prayer. With respect to those of differing beliefs, I have posted the prayer below, as a point of reference.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Its a beautiful thing, when you start controlling what you can control, and accept bravely, and without surrender, those things beyond your control. This is all part of making life the best it can be.

Michael

Take 'care giving ' too much of yourself

2011-01-10T08:10:00.000-05:00

Caregiving is important, as is being a good husband, father, etc.. However, I struggle with balance. I have a tough time not losing myself, when making sure my wife and son have what they need and want. Its not that I don't want to provide for them. I just want to be able to keep myself in the loop. My own needs are only slightly less important. I guess its sometimes hard to find a way to meet their needs and my own at the same time. Skillful negotiation of these 'dangerous waters' requires me to be a vigilant and sometimes lucky captain of the family ship. I'm still learning. While their needs can sometimes be greater, they aren't more important as humans than I am. This in no way is meant to be reflection of their value in my life, or to diminish their importance, or my need to care for them. I am simply saying that sometimes I need to be my own caregiver. I do have some of my own wounds and handicaps that occasionally need to be addressed.

Yep, they got ADHD too

2011-01-06T09:59:00.003-05:00

My dogs, Max the golden retriever, and Sapphire, the 'mutt,' both have ADHD. Max, the impulsive, hyperfocused one, will follow literally at my heels when he needs to go outside, and he won't stop at the road, to wait for any cars passing, unless I make him do that. The hyperactive one is sapphire, who always jumps and barks at everything she sees or hears. There is even a book about dogs exhibiting adhd type behaviors, which is appropriately titled All Dogs Have ADHD. You can find more information about the book, which I own, have read, and highly recommend, HERE. Its certainly an eye opener, and also reassuring, when my dogs behave so much like myself and my son. Pets, even with ADHD, or should I say especially those with ADHD, are an extreme blessing.
Similarly,
Michael

p.s. Although I don't any cats, and have no plans to do so, I also believe that All Cats have Asperger's Syndrome

yes I am a caregiver.

2011-01-05T09:29:00.000-05:00

Caregiving is a blessing. I am privileged and honored to be able to care for my wife. She is also one of my heroes, for her perseverence and inner strength. Whether its basic first aid, bandaging her healing wounds helping with daily tasks, maintaining, to the best of my ability, a safe and healthy environment, dispensing medications, or helping to make her comfortable, everything I do is something I am proud to do for her, both as her husband, and as a fellow human being. While this has changed our relationship somewhat, the bonds we share, though different, are even stronger than before. So, when someone asks me what I do. I say " I am a care provider, and in my spare time, I process medical records.

Michael
P.S. Be sure to check out the new section of my amazon bookstore for books on being a spousal caregiver.

why I will succeed

2011-01-04T12:06:00.000-05:00

The top 2 reason I will succeed in 2011.
1) I am tired of failing.
2) I am pursuing things I am actually interested in, not just what I think might work.
The first example is the amazon storefront. But I can't, and won't, stop there.
Success awaits, and my effort is the only determining factor. Even if some bad things happen, my own will is all that is required to succeed. Okay, that, and hard work.
And I won't let ADHD, or my past traumas, stop me from doing the things I am interested in. In fact, they are part of my inspiration. You'll notice, if you go to my amazon store, that many of the books cover topics relevent to my specific situations, or those of my family. " when in doubt, go with what you know. "

2011, the years of goals, not resolutions.

2011-01-03T07:48:00.000-05:00

I am pulling my work-related duties together. I just hope that I can get my home life to be as productive. It'll take some work. But I am determined. Its a new year. 2011 is the year I get things together, everywhere. This isn't a silly resolution. Its a serious goal. I intend to close the year that started this past weekend in a much better, and happier state of being, for me, and my whole family. Sounds cliched, but its worth sounding that way. Everyone, keep up the good work, lets make 2011 a GREAT year.
renewingly,
Michael

Time to get a new calendar...

2010-12-30T08:55:00.001-05:00

Happy New Year! 2010, adieu. Welcome 2011. May you bring better surprises, and many successes. So we turn the page, and turn over a new leaf, hopefully. Go out and make a positive difference, for yourself and others. That's the only resolution that is both worthwhile, and easily achievable. I will "talk" to you next year.
Michael

PS be sure to check out my new Amazon Store Front. The link is below and to the right.

2010-12-29T10:14:00.000-05:00

I am working on setting up a storefront on cafepress, an affiliate site on amazon.com, and an ebay store. The links should be up on here within the next few weeks. Busy day today, though, getting caught up at work. I will write more later. Inspiration lags behind productivity today, it seems.

Michael

They're only two people. Everyone else, blank slate.

2010-12-28T07:41:00.000-05:00

There are two people, who we will call " antoine " and "xavier", whom I have no desire to speak with or be around again. I can't say how I will feel in the future, but indefinitely, they are no part of my life. These two hurt me so much that I can't stand to hear their voice or see their face. The good news is, they're only two people. It would be a mistake to view anyone else the way I view antoine and xavier. So, to anyone else besides these two, I will, at the least, be respectful. This decision is very freeing to me. Reserving my lowest feelings and opinions for those two will allow me to elevate my treatment of all other humans I meet, unless one's behavior forces me otherwise. In other words, all but 2 people have a blank slate with me, when it comes to how I treat them. I guess its possible either antoine, or xavier, or both, might someday get a blank slate, but I wouldn't advise anyone to hold their breath waiting for that to happen. To anyone else, welcome to a new page, where you determine how I view you, with your words and actions.